


The Christmas Crack RomCom nobody asked for

by Unseen_Academical



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Christmas, Christmas Fluff, Crack, Everyone's nut, M/M, Mary is the friend sidekick, Psychopaths In Love, Romantic Comedy, but she's way to entertained by Seb's shit to do anything about it, romcom, she is the only one with a modicum of sense
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:27:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28249866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unseen_Academical/pseuds/Unseen_Academical
Summary: So, basically a very much mundane Sebastian (ex-soldier but not ?yet? criminal), juggling jobs and girlfriends decides to kidnap Jim Moriarty, that just happened to crave a cup of coffee, to pass him as his perfect boyfriend to his family Christmas Party.Crack Christmas rom-com. Expect no sensible party in this whole business.
Relationships: Mycroft Holmes/Sebastian Moran, Sebastian Moran/James Moriarty, Sebastian Moran/Jim Moriarty
Comments: 9
Kudos: 12





	1. All I want for Christmas

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SpeculativeCorvid](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpeculativeCorvid/gifts).



> I got the plot idea from an actual romcom I watched ages ago but can’t remember the title for the life of me. Still, there’ll be some… differences. But that’ll be our boys’ fault I deny responsibility.

Sebastian Moran, ex-colonel of the US corps and current barista of the Hired Gun – trending local coffee shop-, clutched the thin metal of his current phone harder.

‘Babe, what do you mean, you won’t be able to make it for Christmas?’ He asked, ‘you agreed we’d spend it at my family’s! They’ve got this awesome chalet with a view…’

A customer made to interrupt him, but a pointed glare from the tall, built man got him thinking that perhaps his order would benefit from reading the menu one or two times over again.

_‘I know Seb! It’s just… I lied. I never intended to come. In fact, I am dumping you.’_ His girlfriend’s voice filtered through.

‘But we had agreement-sex!’ He blurted, exasperated.

He got to pacing up and down behind the counter, the eyes of the sole customer following him in a mesmerised fashion. 

‘ _Yes, I know! Well, you are kind of a sex god, and I wasn’t going to pass one last chance! Good luck with your family, don’t call again!’_ The cursed woman chirped, before hanging up.

Sebastian eyelid twitched. The customer looked at him like a rabbit ready to get mauled by a bear.

‘I told you she was a tosser.’ Mary managed to call from the back of the shop. 

‘No you didn’t!’ He yelled back in frustration, before pausing to consider. ‘Did you?’ He added, uncertain.

‘Yes, yes I did. Like I did for the past ten or twenty chicks you dated and all supposedly were the love or your life before they unceremoniously dumped your arse.’

Her co-worker passed her head through the doorframe, taking in the solitary figure of the customer that had now acknowledged that, if he couldn’t be in for the sugar and coffee, at least he could be in for the drama, and waved.

‘My shift’s over, try not to fall head over heels in love for the next bosom that passes the door. It’s past being funny into tedious now!’

‘I was supposed to bring her home for Christmas, I have told all my family I would bring her!’ He called out to Mary, ‘What the hell am I gonna do?’

‘You’ll manage being a disappointment just fine honey, you got practice. I believe in you.’

‘Arsehole.’ He spat through gritted teeth, passing a weary hand across his face.

‘Merry Christmas to you too, tosser!’ She called back, before closing the door behind her, only letting in a small flurry of snowflakes.

Sebastian slumped behind the counter, with a hollow sigh. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he summarised the pit into which he’d just flung himself.

Since he’d gone back from the army, his parents had been overbearing. Possibly due to the fact they’d never approved of him joining in the first place, possibly because of the less than honourable circumstance that had seen him removed from it. Somehow, they’d got stuck into their little chicken heads that getting himself a proper job, and a proper girlfriend would get him sorted out.

The first seemed like a hopeless endeavour, since stable jobs seemed to elude him like water running from his fingers. Somehow, he always managed to fuck something up royally and get himself fired faster than he could articulate employment. He’d collected more jobs than guns back when he was in the army. That was a lot.

He’d fallen back onto the second point, convinced his good looks and easy banter would grant him easy victory. Apparently not. He sent a poisonous look toward his phone, herald of his latest disappointment. He’d chained relationship, but all the girls eventually dumped him. When they bothered with an explanation, it was on the line of him being _odd_ and _scaring them_.

Perhaps he ought to stop keeping a knife under his pillow and a handgun under the bed… But well, that was a thought for the next time he’d managed a girlfriend. Perhaps he could just hide them better.

He sighed. He was loath to admit, but his parents constant nagging had him on edge, and it was starting to sink in. That he was a hopeless nutjob.

This year was going to be horrible. Nobody would buy any excuse that Lily had to cancel, they would see right through it. He started massaging his forehead. He’d told them nothing about her, just that he’d be bringing ‘the love of his life’. Perhaps he could find a replacement…

No way. He was to leave directly after his shift. There was no way he’d find someone in time.

‘Are you ordering or what?’ A smooth, slightly pissed voiced sounded from before him.

Sebastian snapped his head up.

‘Hu! No, nono!’ The unnamed customer answered in a flurry. ‘I was leaving actually.’

The newcomer looked the other skitter out with a raised eyebrow and a puzzled face, before turning his attention back to the barista, that is one Sebastian Moran.

One, smitten, Sebastian Moran.

The stranger was shorter than him, smartly dressed, with black hair and wide dark eyes. His skin was white from the cold, and his lips a smear of red on his ghastly face.

He looked like perfection.

‘I’ll have one large black coffee with heaps of sugar and cream. Don’t know how you call it, don’t care. Just make it quick.’ He drawled, turning his back to Sebastian to gaze through the shop window into the darkening street.

‘Sure…’ Sebastian answered, still dazed.

In a trance, he grabbed onto the nearest empty coffee pot and slammed it against the stranger’s head, knocking him off.

On auto-pilot, he dragged him behind the counter, through the backdoor and onto the passenger’s seat of his old car. He dashed back inside to close the shop, scrambled a quick ‘Merry Christmas!’ note to his boss (perhaps he would be forgiven from closing early), and back to what passed bravely as his car.

As he jolted the car into a start, and pulled into the traffic, a huge happy smile split his face.

The perfection would do just fine. 


	2. Away from all sense

_‘What do you mean, you’ve found someone on short notice to accompany you to your family’s Christmas celebration?’ _Mary’s voice filtered through the speaker, slightly unnerved and edging toward hysteric.

Jim Moriarty cracked an eye open and winced. His head hurt like hell, and he had not a clue to the where, who and why of his situation. His face was pressed to a car window, and a snowy dark as fuck woodland was passing in front of him, so at least it was not a musty basement. Been there, done that, swore never again. 

What kind of moron would abduct him? They’d not even bothered with tying him up.

‘Yeah! I kind of picked him up!’ He heard what must obviously be his kidnapper answer with uncanny enthusiasm. ‘He is terribly cute, my parents are going to love him.’

_‘What on hearth do you mean, you picked him up?? Se- Mo-n, a-ser m- this in-an--’_ He heard the woman answering.

Apparently, someone stupide enough to be on the phone while driving too fast of a frozen road in the dead end of nowhere.

‘OOOppps, look like the signal is getting bad! I’ll get back to you in a few days. Merry Christmas to you!’ The man chirped joyously, before hanging up.

Jim took a calming breath and tried to get to his concealed gun without drawing attention. He felt himself dying a little inside when the familiar weight proved absent, gone along with his two concealed knives and phone.

‘Oh, your awake!’ The man noticed.

Shit. Well point for him, he had a keen eye. No need pretending then. Jim turned around with a scowl to take in the kriffing moron that had decided to ruin his day. And gaped.

The barista.

The fucking coffee shop barista had abducted him.

What the fuck.

‘Your phone is in glove compartment, but the signal is shit around here anyway. The rest I’ve put away,’ moron’s face scrunched in an apologetic way, ‘nice gun by the way. Fine craftsmanship. Custom made?’ He asked, completely at ease.

Jim narrowed his eyes, not sure what to make of the man. He was tall, and built, with a sharp jaw and a cheeky smile. His face vas lovingly punchable and he would definitely have caught his eye if he were not currently being driven by said cheeky smile toward an unknown destination in a dark forest.

‘Who are you, and what do you want of me?’ He inquired politely, irritation sharpening his words like a set of carving knife getting ready to cut up a roasted turkey.

‘Oh, I’m Sebastian. Seb really. And erm…’ The man kept his eyes on the road, but it seemed like some form of realisation suddenly hit him out of nowhere and got him adding up one and one.

‘Well, how do you feel about spending Christmas with me?’ He finished with a kind of lame and forced enthusiasm. ‘And my family?’ He added apologetically.

Jim gave his captor a flat disbelieving look, as the man peeked cautiously from the road to gauge his reaction.

Add blue eyes to the good looks. The man was freaking gorgeous.

‘I know it’s a little late to ask, but you know, since we’ve already driven almost the whole way… There’s no way you can make it back in time, so you’re best go is to stay with me anyway.’ He shrugged. ‘I promise I make the best stuffed turkey around,’ he added with a shit eating grin, ‘you’re bound to beg for more I promise!’ He finished with a wink.

Jim felt himself reddening from -pick one of the following, he himself had not a clue-, anger, embarrassment, irritated disbelief, before snapping:

‘That’s it. Turn around this instant and _bring me back_ you absolute goof.’

‘Erm. No.’ Sebastian answered with absolute poise. ‘You see, I promised to bring someone over and at this point I’d rather deal with any consequences from this little stunt than bear my parents and siblings absolute sorrowful and ill-advised romantic counselling one more year. So, you are going to be a good boy, and pretend to be my perfect fiancé and everything is going to be a top-notch holiday for everyone involved.’

Jim scathing retort got stuck in his throat at being referred as a good boy, and ‘fiancé’ in the same sentence, and he could only but stand gaping at the gale of the scandalously good looking nutjob that was driving him away from civilisation and seemingly… sense.

If this was a ploy from one of his enemy, it was a ridiculously convoluted one. But still, if it wasn’t then the man was really cracked. Jim had no idea which scenario he preferred.

Perhaps the best solution was to just play along until he could steal the turkey carving knife, slit his throat, and steal the car.

He refused to think there possibly really would be a whole family of nutjob to escape from waiting for him at the end of the road. It was simply too ridiculous to be conceivable.

* * *

‘Hi mom!’ Sebastian called, pushing the heavy wooden front door of the secluded chalet and dragging his large luggage inside.

‘Sebbyyyy!’ He heard the petite woman answer excitedly, jumping to hug her son tightly. ‘I am so glad you’ve made it before it starts snowing in earnest! I hope you were not intending to leave early, or you are in for some troubles.’

He smiled reassuringly, before frowning a little.

‘Erm mom, so, I’ve brought my fiancé, but I have to warn you…’ At this his mother tried to peak outside, probably catching sight of Jim pitifully trying to make his way through snow and slippery frost in his designer shoes, ‘he is very shy and gets a little weird with people he’d just met. Probably going to complain I’ve, you know ‘kidnapped him here’ and that he ‘never knew me before’. But that’s just him being a drama queen, you see, he wanted us to go to his parents and I had to insist we came here instead. He does tend to exaggerate…’ He finished with a smug smile, happy about his on the spurt idea.

‘Oh, I understand dear, meeting the family can be sooo stressful. I’ll make sure your father knows, and you tell your siblings.’ She answered, patting his arm reassuringly. ‘Don’t worry, we will make sure he just feels at home.’

On these words, his appointed fiancé managed to reach the front door, seething and spitting like a wet, angry cat, a whole side of him covered in snow. Ground 1 – gorgeous man 0.

‘Mom, allow me to present…’ Sebastian started, with a huge smile… before said smile froze in slight embarrassment, not exactly knowing how to finish this sentence he so boldly started.

Making a spurt of the moment decision, Jim decided he’d rather not be called David Crockett or whatever name Sebastian would come up in a panic for the next few days, and finished as a mercy to himself:

‘Jim Moriarty. If you could point me out to the nearest police station, I’d like to fill in a complaint.’

‘What a funny lad Sebastian!’ His mother hooted, ‘I am sooo glad you finally brought him to us!’ She said before moving to crush Jim in a hug of surprising strength for such a small woman.

God and all saint, there really were all like him, Jim thought.


	3. Mickey

‘Don’t pout, it’s only a few days!’ Sebastian quipped with enthusiasm, plopping a few sets of cloths onto the bed that he believed would fit Jim. If Jim felt indulgent about wearing clothes either too small or too big for him. Sebastian believed firmly he would end up looking cute anyway… Hell he picked the bloody things!

Some tiny, sensible part of him that he’d trained himself to dutifully ignore kind of felt bad for dragging Jim to his family’s on a whim. He himself hardly survived a those yearly few consecutive days of forced interactions. But he’d found, a lot of the Christmas jolly mood and spirit relied on your ability to just ignore the objectively terrible aspects of it and pretend you naturally love wearing ugly reindeer pullovers and chattering with old, nosy relatives you’ve avoided the rest of the year. Sebastian had figured some years ago most people were probably in this for the alcohol and had therefore plopped a flask of his favourite holiday whiskey onto of the pile of cloths offering to try and spring some holiday spirit into Jim.

Perhaps after a couple swigs, he would be in a mood to ignore the dreaded ugly reindeer on the pullover. It certainly had helped when he had had to wear the damn thing. Sebastian was quite keen on seeing neat, perfect and controlled Jim wearing the red nosed monster.

The target of his Christmas plot was currently looking mournfully through the window, taking in the snow pilling up and the road slowly disappearing under it.

Steal a car now would be pointless, as far as Jim was concerned. He could drive, on any sensible road, but he was quite confident he wouldn’t be driving for 10 minutes in this weather before he’d crash into the closest ominous tree of doom in this bloody forest. His phone was hanging from his limp arm, cold and dead by his side, useless as this forsaken end of nowhere didn’t even manage _signal coverage_. 

‘I’ll kill you, you know.’ He answered flatly to the obnoxiously cheerful madman.

The death threat did not seem to phase the other much, but it could be expected from a man which thought it was ok to kidnap a random, heavily armed stranger to pass as your boyfriend to a family reunion. 

‘Yeah, yeah. Just, try and see if anything fits. You can’t stay wet. I mean, I certainly don’t mind but…’

The doorbell chose this precise moment to interrupt what came dangerously close to edge shameless flirting. And if the alignment of fate and timely interruption were not enough to deter Moran, his mother voice calling out from the bowel of the kitchen was.

‘Sebby! Get the door!’ She yelled. ‘My hands are full with the pudding!’

‘Yes mom!’ He yelled back. ‘Prolly just my brother or sister, I’ll be back in a minute.’ He added, throwing a regretful look from Jim to the piece of cloth on top of the pile. Jim could only make out a suspicious splotch of red.

‘More of you. I am caught between dread and morbid curiosity at this point.’ Jim answered darkly.

Sebastian gave him a smile and a wink, before running down the stairs.

Jim gave off this off and ominous vibe that just made Seb wants to pet him on the head. It was cute. The man was cute, with his little brooding mood, his murderous looks… The fact he obviously looked at about anything lying about like a potential weapon he’d love to shove down Seb’s throat…

Seb wouldn’t mind something being sh… No nope. Abort.

With the energy of a man looking for a distraction, he flung the door open with a wide Christmas smile, ready to welcome…

Holmes.

What.

The fuck.

‘Hello Sebastian.’ The poncy twat greeted with impeccable standard. ‘It’s good to see you gain.’ He added with the practiced tone of someone used to rub people’s face in the mud with pleasantries.

Sebastian eyelid twitched, and he slammed the heavy wooden door shut. There was the satisfying sound of snow falling from the roof and piling up.

‘MOOOTTHHER!!’ Sebastian yelled, storming his way through the chalet and toward the kitchen.

* * *

Jim had been considering with a disgusted face wherever to burn the horrible jumper now or keep it to tie Sebastian up with when he’d be calling in for sweet revanche, when yelling erupted from downstairs.

Being by nature curious and attracted to whatever chaos there was a chance he could blow out of proportion, and somewhat resigned to wearing the tight jeans there was no chance belonged to the monster of a man that had kidnapped him, and the shirt that definitely did, he set out to seek the origin of the noise.

On closer inspection of the shouting, as he could make out walking down the stairs, Sebastian was having a blazing row with beloved mummy. He hardly made it to the kitchen door before seeing the back of Sebastian storming out through a backdoor, the woman shaking her head in the signature move of exasperated mothers.

‘What happened?’ he asked in a show of sweet, concerned ignorance.

‘Oh dear,’ the woman startled, before smiling in a hurry, ’oh this is really just a silly thing. I have invited an old little friend of Sebby and he’s gone and got all puffed up about it.’ She gave Jim a secret look that send a shiver down his back, and went off to give him _details_.

‘You see, they got involved at some point, the two of them. Joined at the hip they were and very much more so afterward,’ she winked in a -if you see what I mean- way, and Jim thought perhaps murdering her along her son would not be a bad idea. ‘He is very well off now. A very good match I’d dare say,’ she added with a wistful look to her eye. She turned her attention back to Jim, as her son’s current prospect. ‘Sebastian didn’t say, but what is it _you_ do for a living, dear?’

‘I,’ Jim hurriedly interrupted, not at all ready for a talk that would have been already awkward to a real boyfriend, ‘think I am just going to catch up with Sebastian,’ he finished before thinking better of it, and dashing through the still halfway open backdoor.

He thought better of it the moment the biting cold seeped through his thin clothing, but somehow the idea of getting back inside and have to deal with the simpering mother and the ex-boyfriend was a strong enough motivator to get him to follow the tacks.

At least the ridiculous boots were adapted to escaping the family.


	4. A complete set

When the gunshot whipped the snowy silence of the woods, Jim reconsidered his decision. The sight of Moran’s discarded coat on the other hand, got his shivering arse to move the few extra steps necessary to find the Man himself sprawled over a dry patch of heath and pine needles, a military grade rifle in hand and pointing across a snow field.

He could feel Moran’s foul mood prickling against his skin. There was a coiled tenseness in Moran’s shoulder that told Jim the man was just ignoring him. It felt a little raw, like a nerve ready to be plucked and contrasted a great deal with the debonaire and jolly air he painted with generous stokes on himself.

Curiosity picked, Moriarty silently wrapped himself up in the abandoned coat and watched attentively. Far across the field, in the line of sigh of Moran’s rifle, there was a little black and white target. He could hardly see it, but thankfully there were googles in the snow besides Moran’s leg.

Sebastian drew a breath, and shot. The bullets hit the target half an inch from the dead centre.

‘You got a keen eye,’ Jim whistled softly, rather impressed.

‘Best of the regiment,’ Sebastian answered back in a ruffed voice. ‘Got me my promotion.’ He shot again, and the crack whipping between them. ‘’s also what got me kicked out.’ He finished.

He crawled up to sit and face Jim, glancing up and down at his coat on the other man. Before his natural crocked smile crept back on at the sight.

‘Pass me a cigara would you? They’re hidden in the inner pocket.

The thin rolls looked like cheap stuff, in brownish paper. Sebastian lit one up and drew a relieved breath. Jim lit one up for himself, out of curiosity, and chocked as the acrid smoke attacked his throat.

‘These stuffs are foul.’ He spat, looking at the offending smouldering stick.

Sebastian gave a deep laugh, and pulled on his with relish.

‘They are. They really are. But when that’s the only bloody thing you can find you make do. And then you can’t quite do without it.’ He threw the bud to fizzle in the snow, before plucking Jim’s discarded one from the man’s hand. ‘You’re welcome to help yourself, just make sure my mother doesn’t see you. She gets quite cranky.’

He blew a smoke in the cold air, that Jim looked at in the transfixed way of people in their own little worlds. Seconds of unexpected comfortable silence ticked by, blanketed by the smell of crisp snow and pine tree.

‘You know,’ Jim stated confidently, ‘I am pretty sure your mother is just the devil dressed up in old-fashioned knitwear.’

Sebastian opened his mouth to jest back, but a terrible concerto of blearing klaxons prevented him to do so.

‘Wait until you meet the rest of them.’ He finally managed, half-mournful and half-amused.

* * *

Despite delaying as much as possible (for two men with only one coat in the snow), the newcomers were still all bunched up in merry greetings like they’d just right arrived when Sebastian and Moriarty came back inside. A young woman with wide blue eyes and a horribly coloured beany kangarooed her way to Moran the moment she spotted him.

‘Seb-as-tian!!! How is my dummy little brother doing!’ She enthusiastically grabbed him and yanked the taller man downward in a crushing hug.

‘Oh my God,’ the youngest male called out, probably the brother, taking in James trying to commune with the woodwork. ‘Who’s that Seb??’

‘Errm,’ Jim answered, feeling like a deer caught in headlights with a keen understanding of its soonish introduction to a meatgrinder.

‘I can’t believe it!!’ The girl had relinquished her torture of her brother, grasping Jim’s hand with a surprising speed and strength. ‘I thought moma was lying when she’d say Sebby would be bringing his fiancé!’ She turned toward Sebastian with a slight frown, as Jim mouthed _‘fiancé??’_ angrily to Sebastian. ‘In all fairness she didn’t sound all that convinced herself…’

‘Lydia!’ A voice struck like a whip, and the girls’ mouth automatically snapped shut.

Well, in all fairness this was impressive, Jim thought as Moran’s mother made her way ponderously balancing plats of cheese, dry meat and fruits. Perhaps he could learn a couple tricks from the harpy to keep his men in line before he nailed her to the mantle as a particularly ugly Christmas ornament.

‘Don’t listen to her dear,’ she cooed to Jim, ‘she always ran her mouth faster than she did her brain.’

‘Mom!’ Lydia snapped, outraged.

‘We are having a cold snacked lunch, it’s a tradition,’ she added, pointing toward the impressive assortment of crackers and cold dishes on the table. ‘That makes it easier to prepare everything for tonight, and it’s convivial!’ she finished, clapping her hands in the universal way of people in a position of force conveying their enthusiasm.

‘But where is your father?’ She asked, a bit ruffled, with a lingering undertone of - why isn’t he currently here helping around? –

‘I think he is coming in… We had a flat tire, that’s why we are so late.’ The brother answered, peering through the frosted windows.

And indeed, a few seconds later, what would be, James sincerely hoped, the last addition to the party walked the threshold.

‘Bloody kids! Make me run around like a fool in all this snow!’ The man teased in a gruffy way, kissing his wife on the cheek. Spotting Sebastian and his little companion, he hobbled his way to hug the former and shake hand with the latter.

‘Dad, this is Jim. Jim, my dad.’ Sebastian preened. Before his mother tapped him on the shoulder.

‘Sebby, be a dear and fetch Mickey from his room so that we can have lunch all together.’

‘Mom…’ Sebastian’s expression clouded, and Jim nearly felt an instinct to take cover.

‘Tut-tut. None of that. I get it, and since you apparently found someone very nice perhaps inviting Mickey next year won’t be necessary. But until then. You. Will. Be. Civil.’ She hammered, with nothing much more than a wooden spoon and a scowl.

He really needed this woman to tutor him.

Sebastian grudgingly obliged, which, Jim noticed a second too late, let him alone to face the father.

Who was now fixing him with the most, odd and uncomfortable fixed glare.

Jim felt an awful awkwardness crawl from unknown depths, laced with incomprehension. The man had managed in a manner of second to build a terrible tension…

Then he blurted out laughing, patting Jim on the shoulder like he had just played the most hilarious joke on him.

He was left standing alone, flabbergasted after the most nobody dad he’d ever met had just wracked to jelly the renowned nerves of steal of one of the most feared entities of the underworld.

Ok, perhaps not yet one of the most feared entities of the underworld, but it would be soon sorted out, in a matter of a couple years.

If he made it out of here alive.


End file.
